I am not big into crying. I cry at sad movies and things like that, but I don't boo-hoo very often. A tear or two, yes, but ugly face crying is reserved for private moments.
I hysterically boo-hooed today. I just lost it. We are all together to spend mothers day with my mom. I am with my two older sisters. One sister has four boys; 6,5,3 and 18 months. Other sister has two boys, 8 and 6 and a 3 year old little girl. My brother has a son and a daughter; 11 and 14. Needless to say I am surrounded with kids, which I love. It is a tough weekend for me, as I got my BFN and a new cycle has started, so I am hormonal. Again, I will have to hope that by next mothers day, I will be at least pregnant.
So, I haven't seen my brother for five minutes and I asked my sister about what she got in the mail. She said a check from my dad. Joking I said "I didn't get a check." And my brother says, that is for mothers only, you are not a mother. I just looked at him. So he repeats himself, until you are a mother, you get nothing. Or something like it. He didn't say it in a matter of fact, or joking way, he was trying to hurt me. We have had this conversation before. He has gone through a crappy divorce and so he is so bitter. Everyone thinks that my life is easier than theirs. I think they are blessed to have it so easy.
So, I step out of the room and begin to sob. I think I was just getting out all of the frustration, anxiety and disappointment. His comment struck me, because it was mean to hurt. He wants me to feel lesser than him, because of his anger and I understand that. He is just such a jerk. I want to cry thinking about it. He embodies "infertility" to me. He is my human version of infertility, and has been my whole life. He is negative, hurtful, and has to be the center of the attention. I can't have fun with my family with out my brother making a comment about something and distracting me.
So, that way my Saturday. I cried, and I ruined the time for my mom, which this whole weekend was supposed to be about. I am so sad right now. I just want to go to sleep. I did get my Willow Angel and I can't wait to open it. I will get to open it tomorrow! I can't wait.
The things you do to make a baby!
About Me
TTC Journey
- DX Infertility due to Stage 4 Endometriosis on both ovaries, uterus, and throughout abdomen.
- Nov. 08 Natural cycle
- Oct 08' Natural cycle. BFN Husband lost his job, IVF on hold
- 9/18 IUI completed. BFN
- 9/10 started follistim injections for IUI
- 8/15/08 Surgery: Laparoscopy/hysteroscopy Chocolate Cyst removed
- 8/13/08 Baseline ultrasound showed unusal cyst
- 8/08 supposed to start Clomid and IUI
- 6/08 1st Appointment with RE found cysts
- 5/08 Back to NMW for referral to RE
- 2/08 Bloodwork Normal SA Normal
- 1/08 Started charting, OPK's and TI
- 10/05 High Testosterone and irregular cycles: referred to Endocinologist. No diagnosis RX Spironolactone
- 6/03 Lupus in Remission
- 3/29/03 Married my DH
- Off Birth Control Pills 97 because of clotting concerns
- 1/97 DX Systemic Lupus
2 comments:
That is a terrible thing for your brother to say! But sometimes you find that the people who act the most smug are actually the most bitter and unhappy with life.
Sorry you cried because of him, but I hope you had a good weekend otherwise.
Hey Deb,
I am so sorry that your brother said that to you. It is a shame that he is so bitter that he lashed out at you. I'm glad your angel brought you some joy....you certainly deserve some. And someday soon when you are a mommy, your angel will make a lovely addition to the nursery.
(((hugs)))
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